Live Longer Habits

There's a well-known quote from Tolstoy's book Anna Karenina: “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” While this is a fictional story, some psychologists believe that happy couples share some key traits, particularly when it comes to handling disagreements. 

They follow something called the 5:1 rule, which says that for every negative moment in a conflict—like being critical or defensive—there should be five or more positive moments.

The Gottman Institute, founded by psychologists John M. Gottman and Robert W. Levenson, studied couples starting in the 1970s. They watched how couples dealt with arguments in quick timeframes. From these observations, they could make accurate predictions—over 90% of the time—about which couples would stay together and which would split up. 

Their research led them to believe that keeping a good balance of positive interactions during tough times is crucial for a lasting relationship, needing at least five positive ones for every negative one. Dr. Gottman explains that arguments are a normal part of marriages, even in healthy ones. 

However, both partners should work to fix things quickly. He notes that expressing anger is only problematic when it comes with criticism or defensiveness, which can lead to more issues. Dr. Gottman suggests some simple ways couples can stay connected—even during disagreements—which can help strengthen their relationships over time. 

Here’s a summary: 

Show Interest

When your partner shares a concern, listen carefully. Ask follow-up questions and show curiosity. This makes them feel heard and reassures them you take their feelings seriously. 

Express Affection

Sharing physical touch, kind words, or warm gestures during a discussion can lower stress and remind both of you that you’re in this together. 

Make Small But Meaningful Gestures

Small acts of kindness, when repeated often, help maintain a positive atmosphere during tough times. These gestures act as important signals that contribute to those positive interactions. 

Focus on Common Ground

Pointing out things you agree on during an argument can help you resolve issues faster. 

Empathise and Apologise

Empathy is a deep form of connection. It’s a way to show your partner that you understand their feelings, even when you disagree. 

Accept the Other Person’s Perspective

You can acknowledge someone’s different view without having to agree with it. This shows respect for their feelings. 

Share a Joke

A little playful teasing can lighten the mood, even if things are heated. By keeping these tips in mind, couples can navigate disagreements in a way that strengthens their bond.

source: vogue