Live Longer Habits

Why Do We Keep Doing Things That Don’t Help Us?

Both ancient wisdom and modern psychology can provide insights into why we sometimes cling to habits that are not beneficial. Often, we may use these habits because they once helped us or because they provide temporary comfort. Mindfulness can help us notice these habits and respond to ourselves with kindness and understanding. 

When we encounter something challenging, how do we react?

 Maybe you feel sad, bored, or upset by what someone says or something you see in the news. In these moments, many of us rely on familiar coping mechanisms, even if they don’t ultimately benefit us. Common ways we cope may include: 

- Spending too much time on our phones, social media, or gaming 

- Keeping ourselves busy 

- Eating for comfort  

- Blaming others or outside situations—like saying, “It’s all social media’s fault.” 

Does this sound familiar? 

The Two Arrows: Turning Pain into Suffering

More than 2,500 years ago, Buddha used the story of two arrows to explain how we turn pain into suffering. Pain and discomfort are like the first arrow—an instinctive response to situations like touching something hot or facing upsetting news. But then comes the second arrow—this represents our reactions, judgments, and the narratives we create in our minds. The first arrow, like getting burned, is unavoidable, but the second arrow—our reactions—can add more distress and suffering than necessary. 

So, why do we respond in ways that aren’t truly helpful? 

It seems clear: we want to avoid feeling bad and prefer to feel good instead. We want things to go smoothly and for those positive feelings to last. Getting busy, ignoring problems, shifting blame, or trying hard to “fix” things may appear helpful, and sometimes they provide a short-term boost. Because they make us feel slightly better, we may repeat these actions, and over time, they can become habits or even key parts of our personality. 

Reactivity: Creating Suffering

From an evolutionary and psychological viewpoint, the Buddha's idea about the second arrow can be further understood. Our instinctive reactions are deeply rooted in our history; we evolved to look for safety, food, and social connections while avoiding danger. On a personal level, if you grew up in a conflict-filled environment, you might have learned to escape to your room and put on headphones when arguments arose. While this strategy was useful then, you may still use it now, even if it no longer helps. 

How Our Brains Learn Unhelpful Habits

Behavioural psychology reveals two key concepts that explain our behaviours: 

1. Associative Learning: This is when we learn through connections; for example, my dog learned that when I put on my shoes, it’s time for a walk. We connect certain feelings in our bodies—like a racing heart—with emotions such as excitement or anxiety. 

2. Operant Learning: This involves learning through rewards (like praise from someone after doing well) or punishments (like criticism). Positive reinforcement happens when something good follows an action—like a shop offering discounts for bringing your own bags. Negative reinforcement is when an action removes something unpleasant—like eating comfort food when stressed. 

These quick fixes can become ingrained habits, as they provide temporary relief. Meanwhile, punishment teaches us to avoid actions that lead to negative outcomes, like not speeding to prevent a fine. 

Why Do These Unhelpful Habits Stick Around?

Any habit can fade over time through a process called “extinction.” However, when something is rewarded only occasionally (known as “partial” or “intermittent” reinforcement), it tends to persist. Think of gamblers who keep playing slot machines, even while losing, because they hope for that one lucky win. 

The Hopeful Message

We face many real challenges in life, like illness, money worries, or the loss of loved ones, along with broader issues like inequality, economic struggles, and climate change. The encouraging news is that we can recognise our reactive tendencies (the second arrow). With time and practice, we can stop reacting automatically. By being mindful of our habits as they emerge, we can start to choose different responses. 

Sam’s Story: “I Can’t Stand My Psoriasis”

Take Sam, for instance. He has lived with psoriasis since he was a child. Each time he has an outbreak, he sends several second arrows his way: “This is unfair... I can’t believe I’m itching again... Why do I have to deal with this?” He criticises himself, which only worsens his condition. But when Sam learns to identify these second arrows, he can pause, take a breath, and treat himself with more kindness. His psoriasis still exists (the first arrow), but he stops layering on resentment and harsh self-talk (the second arrow). 

Final Thoughts

While we cannot avoid the pain and discomfort life throws at us, we can learn not to add unnecessary suffering on top of it. Recognising those automatic behaviours and the second arrows we shoot is the first step. With practice, we learn that our reactive responses aren’t necessary. Instead, we can face our pain and challenges with a gentler, more thoughtful approach. 

This text is based on ideas from Willem Kuyken's 2024 book: Mindfulness for Life, which goes deeper into how we can respond wisely and live well.

Source: psychologytoday.com